Don’t let them tell you any different, size matters. The size of her – The size of his – The size of yours – The size of mine, it matters. The bigger the better too, because that’s more power behind it. The smaller it is, the less there is to grab onto. Not talking equipment here either. According to OCD that is, the bigger the heart, the more you care, the more power there is to gain.
It’s really that simple. If I can, quick story: Before OCD recovery even started for me, I thought the best way to beat it was to not care. I knew its power over me was due to me caring so much. I wanted to figure out how to give zero fucks. So, I surrounded myself with strangers and claimed that I would care substantially less. I quickly learned that size matters and I was at a disadvantage.
Couldn’t help but care for these strangers, who are now some of my closest friends. I even proposed marriage to one, and she said yes. Size matters to her too, as I spilled all of my quirks and issues – she began to care about my OCD on a level I thought no one else could.
Alright OCD, I’m not good at zero fucks, but now I am claiming to give less fucks to you.
Size Matters:
Let them say otherwise. I am convinced that no other OCDoer would claim this to be false. We mosey along performing our rituals and compulsions out of love and care. Size matters yo, because if it didn’t, we’d just scratch the urge at every given chance. But it’s so freaking hard when we don’t want these unwanted thoughts to see themselves through.
It’s odd to even say how much love is behind each compulsion. Because we hate the compulsion in the first place. In order to shake OCD, it requires us to look the other way at our rituals. We only perform these rituals and compulsion because of love. It’s strange and we know it is strange, yet we do it anyway.
We spend hours in our heads and on these performances because we care. Size matters, and this obsessive disorder knows it and feeds on it. So those hours in our head and redoing the strangest quirks lead to both torment and relief. So fucking strange – Ugh OCD!
OCD will claim it too, that size matters, because that’s where its strength lies.
Big Minds Think Alike:
Big hearts act alike too. So much of OCD is the fear of harm to others around you. Some of the more famous stories of OCDoers, you might’ve already heard before. Like, crippling at the touch of a knife fearing they might purposely attack with it. Or, every pothole convincing them they hit somebody. Even as simple as keeping your hands so clean, they rub their hands raw.
All of the stories surrounding the real OCD is trying to protect others, inside the mind. We all can understand that pain. What is really happening, is that these fears of harm steer us in to isolation – where OCD grows. We begin to care so much that we attempt to remove actions all together. Whether its the knife, the car, or the germs – these attempts to flush out the unease, really flush away our true self. Which, as a result, takes the OCDoer out of the equation. Either by the loved ones’ choice or our own choice to stay in hiding.
Size matters – the heart is so big that we take on as much of the pain to ourselves to not harm others. The pain is inside, the torment sucks time away, and the agony wears us down. We all become unrecognizable to our own self. So when we each try to quit, and listen to reason, we engage in an internal battle. A battle of this self versus our true self.
True self has such an uphill climb because strength has been focused on this self, the disordered self.
Size Matters Still For The Smaller True Self:
The bigger the fight, the bigger the win. That’s how I look at my recovery now which helps me make big steps. My disordered self has more experience, more involvement, more power, and more wins. My true self though, has more to gain, more to win, more heart, and more to fight for. Let’s not discredit dreams as a weapon of choice here.
My disordered self only thinks of existing – small minded by OCD. My true self wants to see dreams come true. Though my true self is currently smaller than my disordered self, that part of me thinks bigger. That’s why my focus on recovery is so important. Beating the disorder is a huge deal. Not only to me, but for the ones I love and our dreams too.
Yo, do you hear me? If you suffer with OCD, have suffered from OCD, or even recovered from, I know that you hear me. It seems like it is the biggest win for our mental health. Don’t downplay that either, because our mental health is everything. If that is where we suffer, then we are sufferers. If that is where we achieve, then we are achievers. When our mental health is strong, we are stronger.
Our true self is the underdog in this story with the biggest to gain.
Big Steps:
Steps are steps, no matter the size – steps toward a goal is necessary, especially during recovery. Small step after small step after small step add up to giant steps. Huge steps are big confidence boosters. Put them all together, and we’re looking at progress. Progress is progress, and that is what we ask of ourselves.
Let’s jump back to OCD and reasoning for just a second. With this disorder in charge, reasoning sounds like bullshit. All the while, our true self is drowning as it is trying to feed us reasoning and we just ignore it. That’s what makes this inner battle so difficult. We both know and don’t know what we are fighting for.
It all sounds crazy, yet we go with the flow of our obsessive compulsive self. That version doesn’t make sense, and here there is a version of us that does make sense, still we tuck that version deep down and give them a tiny tiny voice. But, the more steps we make toward progress, that tiny voice gets bigger and bigger and bigger.
The steps become bigger, our progress becomes bigger and it’s all possible without sacrificing size. Our hearts can still love and care big, that’s who we are. We don’t have to revert to giving zero fucks for everything, because our size matters.
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Let me know if you found this helpful. I am curious to hear your spin. Leave a comment or find me on Twitter @UghOCD or Instagram @brentleybigkid.
