As if it comes in the form of cheese-in-a-can ready for excessive mountains that tower over my tilted mouth during a midnight binge – Purchasing OCD is not a scannable item to be refunded at customer service. Quite the opposite actually, this feels like a sale I’m just stuck with.
As a matter of fact, maybe I can dig through enough old receipts for a proof of purchase. I’m thinking it was the hidden treasure from connecting dots back of a Cap’n Crunch cereal box from 1984. If I recall correctly, the drawing presented a treasure chest. At the time, I felt slighted, thinking “there’s no treasure in here”. Silly ol’ 4 year old self, that’s obviously where OCD was locked up. I must’ve let it out with my impeccable dot tracing – Argh matey!
All I have to do is find the receipt, the rotting box, and step confidently to the nearest customer service.
This is not how purchasing OCD truly works. So let me explain.
Purchasing OCD In The Grocery Store:
My OCD just lingers around my money. There is just something about exchanging funds for something new in my possession it just can not stand. So when I’m in the grocery store, it hovers over my shoulder with an extra thick pair of bifocal glasses.
It wants to throw intrusive thought after intrusive thought my way with almost everything I pick up. Even in recovery, I can be found down any aisle placing something back on the shelf because of what OCD whispers during pickup. My thoughts can be clear as day, and BAM, intrusive thoughts flood in at first touch of hotdog buns.
I pick out hotdog buns – “cancer”. The hotdog buns go back on the shelf – “that’s better”. I pick back up the buns – “bleed”. Release of buns – “whew, that was close”. I again grab the buns – “Skittles”… And I proceed to shout inside my head “SHUT UP! Wait… did you intrude with Skittles? Oh that’s cool”. I confidently walk away with ‘safe’ hotdog buns.
Wait a tick-tocking moment! Before stepping foot inside the store, there were Skittles in the parking lot. All scattered and melty – Baking from the sun into the toxic oily pavement. Hush OCD, I’m buying these buns.
That is purchasing OCD at its finest.
Purchasing OCD Online:
The ‘Add to Cart’ button on Amazon is easy. The ‘Proceed to Checkout’ button is easy. Only when it’s to finalize the purchase, and I cannot get an undo, is it made difficult. Let an intrusive thought come in right before the click and I’m scrambling for relief. I get into a mini panic mode. That’s when I click back once or twice to start over.
Now ‘Add to Cart’ isn’t as easy. Neither is ‘Proceed to Checkout’. It all gets difficult and I need a clean thinking process. I need to avoid all intruders and just click away until the buy is made. If I don’t, then what should only take 2 minutes is taking at least 10 minutes.
Along with those 10 minutes I’m second guessing the items in my cart. They’re not mine yet, and when I get them, I need them to be clear of those bad thoughts too. Or else they might find themselves on the return block.
Purchasing OCD is no fun.
Purchasing OCD – After The Sale:
Here is how OCD sticks with us. Years ago, I mean, years ago, I purchased a pair of 20 pound dumbbells. I went specifically to the store for these dumbbells and found myself face to face obsessing. I picked a pair up, didn’t like the intruding thought, so I put them back down. Went to pick up another pair and repeated this sequence for quite some time.
I remember there only being a few to choose from. So I kept mixing and matching until I was over the compulsion. I grabbed my pair with no intrusive thought, placed them in my cart, and kept it moving. Even though the intrusive thought was not there on this combination, I thought long and hard all the while shopping. I kept trying to recall the thought that had me so compulsive. I couldn’t even remember what it was.
So, I kept on. I purchased, brought them home, sat them down, and an intruder entered. The thought came across that my first time using them, would signal something bad to happen. I had already bought them with no intentions on returning. So I made a rule to counter – Only use these dumbbells with weight lifting gloves. This rule, to me, would cancel the “something bad” intrusive thought.
I have since used the dumbbells multiple times without gloves, but it took a long time to even try. When I did, I cried. The tears were full of fear, strength, and weakness. I feared something bad would happen. My strength came from not giving in to compulsion. Weakness poured out the duration of my workout as I battled between fear and strength. Every time I pick up those specific dumbbells, I look back to purchasing OCD.
Money Hoarder – My Frugality:
I am pretty convinced that my money issues stem from my OCD. Definitely a money hoarder, my frugality shows that. At any exchange of money for goods or services, this monster is present.
Purchasing OCD is not the shopping spree I’ve always wanted. I also know that it is not the hidden treasure from my childhood Cap’n Crunch cereal box. But, I do look forward to when I have my OCD receipt in hand with ‘returned’ stamped across it.
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Let me know if you found this helpful. I am curious to hear your spin. Leave a comment or find me on Twitter @UghOCD or Instagram @brentleybigkid.
