I am not shy nor do I hold back when it comes to my OCD progress. That has not always been the case. My experience with OCD, whether it be in suffering, learning, recovery, progression, and regression – I’ve always held it in. But holding it in doesn’t help.
It wasn’t until I began to open up about my whoas that I found a consistent coping mechanism. I would take it even further, seeking out others who feel the same way. Another step further, deciding to track my journey and my experience in the form of this blog. In March of 2019, I would take a large step in coming forward with my ugh moments, vowing to help myself and others with our very own OCD progress. Now, I would like to sit back and share my 2019 experience with OCD since making that decision.
Pre-Blogging:
Suffering with OCD for 20 + years, I would never guess I would actually act on recovery in the form of a blog. I had thought of it, but isn’t that what this disorder is good for – thinking so much it becomes a deterrent?
I remember thinking, “I have goals and my current state with this disorder is a hindrance”. And, looking back, I also remember what really had me believing in recovery started when I realized I wasn’t alone in this suffering. When I started listening to others share their experience. So, I’m taking that leap of faith, that sharing my experience would help me and someone else in our OCD progress.
OCD Progress – March Onward:
I’m starting a blog, I sit down to write, and regression seems to hit hard. Writing is a passion of mine, a dream, a love, yet it is also a giant trigger. Reliving some of my scariest moments, my intimate thoughts, where OCD exposes me, and becomes a more difficult task than I originally thought. Compulsive behaviors that I thought I was coping with, is now getting the best of me and I didn’t like it.
I wanted to shut this blog down instantly. Writing, sharing, opening up, seemed to be bigger than me, and I second-guessed my ability to grow strong enough to see even my first post through.
Hitting that ‘publish’ button on my first article becomes my biggest step toward OCD progress. Letting go of perfection, letting go of this image that sharing weakness would make me weaker. After that, I would have a man-up moment with each ‘publish’. I was beginning to take action and prioritizing my OCD progress for the betterment of myself. That’s a great feeling.
What used to be all-talk is becoming actionable. That’s a confidence booster. And confidence is a weapon when fighting OCD.
Fighting OCD Is Progress:
Fighting with OCD is exhausting. At any moment when we choose not to fight is a setback. I’ve had plenty of setbacks as well in 2019. I would find myself feeling fully recovered from this disorder, only to give in at the next compulsion. Overall, I got better with letting go of unwanted thoughts though. Intrusive thoughts would enter, compulsive behaviors would get ready, and I would stun myself with resisting.
Compulsive behavior is where OCD thrives. This is also where we feel like we are not in control of our minds, leading to anxiety, restlessness, and fear of our very own thoughts. Compulsions are what consume us, and it becomes necessary to fight the urge, fighting back against OCD.
In 2019, I made strides in fighting OCD, focusing on resisting compulsive behaviors. I feel like recovery is a real option. A lot of work of course, but it’s worth it to get back to doing me. Doing the things I love that my OCD would otherwise have me resist.
Relapses And Regressions:
Sure, recovery is a process that takes work. It’s not easy, and though I am making progress, I have moments where regression sets in. My same triggers – throwing away things, multiple double-checks, repeating previous actions to cancel intrusive thinking. They creep in at different points. Leading to hoarding, anxious feelings of needing more triple-checks, and quirky backtracking at the thought of something I don’t like.
It impacts my writing. I am sitting at a computer a lot more now, putting down my thoughts. Relapses can sometime make this a task. I still erase words that are difficult to say, think, or write. As a writer of fantasy, the opportunities to backtrack on words can lead to time wasted and inefficiency. This is a dream of mine, and sometimes I can’t write what I actually want to say due to my interaction with my OCD.
I can say that the effort is there, and I am making OCD progress. Which excites me. The compulsions are still there, but in 2019, I am proud of developing habits to where I fight more. If there is a graph comparing my 2018 with my 2019, I am more than confident it shows less compulsions on the 2019 pie chart. That’s exciting!
OCD Progress and Exposure:
In order to make progress with recovery, it requires exposure – choosing to be triggered and going to battle. My OCD has had me avoiding a lot of my triggers. One that I have avoided for years is watching scary movies. During a scary movie, I used to rewind and perform other compulsions to battle scary thoughts.
I used to enjoy scary movies. In 2019, I attended a few scary movies in the theater, rented some from the box, and would even seek some on Netflix and Hulu. It feels good to be able to be entertained by thrill without being in my own head so much.
Sometimes it’s a rush before the movie or episode would even begin. My chest would pound, might break a sweat, but getting through it would feel like an accomplishment. This accomplishment helps me when I have to write a scary moment in any of my own fantasy novels. I consider this OCD progress.
Regression And Progression:
Starting this blog in March of 2019 has started a trend I would like to keep. That is, progression over regression. Regression and relapse has been unavoidable, but with these failures, I am trying to learn from them instead of dwelling on them. This makes for huge accomplishments in my recovery, and this is where I would like to keep focus.
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Let me know if you found this helpful. I am curious to hear your spin. Leave a comment or find me on Twitter @UghOCD or Instagram @brentleybigkid.
