OCD is Daily. The difference from one day to another can be, well… night and day.
In 2005, when my OCD was at its worst, a typical day, week, month might go something like this
Day 1:
I could start my day at OCD level 100 (highest), and it would be difficult to get out of bed, brush my teeth, do all my morning routine stuff for work without causing multiple delays because intrusive thoughts would enter, and the obsession cycle would begin. I would stress, and be anxious. My repetitions would cause very little relief.
But I would go to work, struggle throughout the day (hiding my quirks was just draining), head home and just want to cry. Crying helped. I had a short commute home, and the days that I could not hold back tears would be some of my most liberating moments.
Streaming down my face, vision blurry, glasses foggy, music blaring, in my car by myself… I would head home sobbing. Because I was tired of the routines, fed up with the compulsions, exhausted from feeling trapped.
By the time I got home, I was done. See ya obsessive behaviors, I was finally done with you. I would get out of my car, walk through my door, flip all types of light switches, walk in multiple rooms, release door knobs like a champ. I would finally get rid of it and I would be me again. Any obsessive moments that wanted to bombard me would be instantly dismissed. Everyone around me was about to get the real me, the fun me, the awesome me.
OCD Daily level would be at a 1 (feeling great).
Day 2:
Still on this high. Whether it was another work day or the weekend, I would dismiss habit after habit for joy. I was still me, and all of the sudden I was ambitious again. Let’s do this, let’s do that, let’s get crazy, let’s spend money. Worries would get dismissed just like they did the day before.
OCD Daily level was still at level 1. Yeah!
A week into it:
Little things would begin to creep back in. Why did I just double click the light switch? It’s alright, it was only out of habit. Ok, then let go of this door knob. Come on… I can do it. There! No problem.
I would work like normal for the most part. I would have fun like normal… for the most part. UGH OCD! I couldn’t help feeding this disorder crumbs though. Habits would show its face, fear would whisper. For the most part, I handled it a lot better.
OCD level would be around a level 30 (Pretty good… for the most part).
Two weeks into it:
It’s been a couple of weeks since that liberating moment of declaring victory over my OCD. I would be challenged here. I’m still operating at level 30, but if I keep feeding it, even be it crumbs, it would get bigger. Decide now Brent, keep giving in to it or nip it… now… right now… cut it loose. Do you need another cry?
The cry would be forced, and wouldn’t be as freeing. Now I feel defeated when I quadruple flipped the switches. Stepping in and out rooms, toe tapping the carpet line more and more for relief.
ENOUGH! You can stop it! So stop it. Now!
… Ok… I’ll listen. I’ll stop it. I would be good for the moment, but when it came to bedtime, it would reveal its powers over me. I had already fed it too many crumbs. It was bigger than me. So my bedtime routine included more than just brushing my teeth. Now I’m redoing everything at least once.
Everything is off, I go to lay down. Oops, bad thought, get back up. I stand back up just to lay back down. Ah… I’m good. I’ve already given in to multiple compulsions, I’m in bed, I’m good now. Relief.
OCD level would spike.
A month into it:
Now most of my focus was on hiding it from others again. This might mean I’m less social at work, less social after work, less social in general. When I’m less social on the outside, that means I’m much more social on the inside.
So… I’m thinking more, talking to myself more, which all leads to me being more obsessively compulsive.
I’m more frequently frustrated. People aren’t getting the best me, the awesome me. As a matter of fact, I’m not getting the awesome me at that point.
This would go on for various periods of time. It wouldn’t be until that cry would weigh so heavy on me again. Oh, I feel it. I’m in my car, I’ve had a draining day of obsessions and compulsion, and quite frankly… I can’t take it anymore. Roarrrrrrr! I’m done with these crazy rituals taking control. So I would cry, I would pray, I would feel better.
Insert a relief bigger than the compulsions.
Smile again.
Insert the OCD cycle again.
OCD is Daily:
…Hourly, minutely. It’s ready to pounce by the second if we allow it. To win against it is to be free of its hold. That next compulsion is ours to win if we can resist.
Recovery is daily too. Keep being strong.
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Check out My Top 10 Triggers For Compulsive Behaviors, My OCD Then And Now, and OCD Woes – How OCD Sucked The Fun Out Of Fun. These posts share more of my OCD struggles.
Let me know if you found this helpful. I am curious to hear your opinions. Leave a comment or find me on Twitter @UghOCD or Instagram @brentleybigkid.
