OCD and Guilt mix like pickle and juice. Humans Givens Institute refers to those with checking-related OCD as “guilt sensitive”. Whereas a Huffpost article relates OCD with guilt as “pathological”. Pickle meet juice.
One of my biggest torments that OCD puts me through is judging if I’m a good person or not. An intrusive thought will come through and I can go to battle for hours. Not with OCD, but I begin to battle myself. For example:
I didn’t mean to think that about Ms. Johnson.
They don’t deserve that. Why did I just think “they deserve that”.
Bitch? I don’t actually think that person’s a Bitch though, I don’t even know them.
Those thoughts are not mine. I would never say that out loud. But I did think it. Why did I think it then? Does that make me a bad person for thinking that? I would never.
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OCD and Guilt:
It has taken me a very long time to gather that my thoughts are not who I am. And it is still one of my biggest struggles as far as consistencies. I used to go into fits where I would beat myself up over these thoughts. Because of it, the unfortunate thoughts would intrude more often.
To the point where I couldn’t hear bad news about people, about anyone, because it would stick. The guilt would stick. Those unsafe words would be magnified so much that they would appear during some of the happiest moments and ruin me. Ruin me for hours.
My fits consisted of me clawing at my thoughts, trying to scratch them out of my head. I would force close my eye lids in an attempt to push the guilt out. To push the bad away in short. In my head I was shaming myself. Outside of my head I would scratch and claw, all with a constipated grimace on my face as a result.
The ‘Good’ With OCD And Guilt:
Oh, Ms. Johnson fell and broke her hip? “Don’t think anything bad, DO NOT think bad. Think ‘good’. No… that’s not good that she broke her hip. Ahhhhhhhhhh!”
The scratching, the clawing, and the grimacing would begin because guilt wanted to retract that bad version of ‘good’ thinking. Only a terrible person would think that is a good thing for Ms. Johnson to have broken her hip. That’s not me, so why did I think it?
When in actuality, I didn’t even think it was good. I was fighting OCD so hard that words were manipulated. Not my words, but my thought. You know, my thoughts that I sometimes don’t have control over. Yet I would sit there and beat myself up because of it.
OCD and guilt. Ugh!
Deserving:
Who am I to determine if someone deserves something or not. That is not my job. It’s not OCD’s job either, but… doesn’t stop it from throwing around the phrase “they deserved that” when we know nothing about the person belonging in that unfortunate situation. UGH OCD!
Now I’m back to attempts of stripping thoughts from my ears. Even when something more fortunate happens for someone. Like winning a raffle. It then wants to ask “Do they deserve to even win that gift basket”? That’s not how that works, they’re raffle was pulled out of a hat with zero influence based off of their good deeds.
Listen OCD, it is not up to you to decide or even question. And then I’m the one pestering over if these thoughts make me the bad guy. Am I the villain in this story for having such haste thoughts of judgement?
I know all people go through this, but it’s OCD that dwells on it. Not allowing us to just shake it off. Instead, we feel guilty. OCD and Guilt – Mix it together for hours of torment in a bottle and voila! Guilt and tonic on the rocks.
OCD and Guilt and Bitching:
When I was a teenager, I cussed my ass off. I never wanted to get in trouble, so I adjusted my language around my parents pretty well. To be honest, I don’t really think cuss words are so bad. Now at least.
For a while, I only associated them as BAD. When my OCD was at its worst, even hearing a swear would throw me into a frenzy. Music, movies, and conversations with friends that didn’t involve alcohol were difficult if contained with said bad words. Open the swear jar, let me in, as this would be jail for the next 15 minutes filled with screams.
I could think them all I want and be fine. Unless it was thrown directly at someone. Then, even the thought would make me feel bad. I’d feel guilty as a result all over again. I’d feel… BAD. Just because I called someone a bitch in my head.
Most of the time it was half-assed. Might’ve seen someone complaining and thought to myself “What are they bitching about”? Then OCD would flip it and reverse it. Now I’m battling again with whether or not I am a bad person for calling someone I don’t even know a bitch. They could really be going through the works, and I’m calling them a bitch.
I apologize… you know… for calling you a bitch… in my head. I just feel awful now for even having the thought cross my mind like that. Ugh, I feel dirty. Shake it off. Scratch it out.
Wait…. that was an hour ago:
I have apologized a lot since then. In my head, sometimes out loud, it’s what I do, apologize… A Lot. Villains don’t apologize this much. Maybe, just maybe I am good, until guilt questions it again.
Let me know if you found this helpful. I am curious to hear your spin. Leave a comment or find me on Twitter @UghOCD or Instagram @brentleybigkid.
Recommended Articles:
Safe Words – Fighting OCD, What Really Helps – OCD Daily Difference
