Had a few compulsion free days going for me when I thought ‘Never’. It tempted me by surprise actually. Hadn’t really thought of it before. Why now? Especially when I’ve been doing so well. This one threw me off and had me hesitant. React or nah?
I stood there frozen, questioning why the hiccup over ‘Never’…
Intrusive Thought Alert – Intrusive Thought Alert:
But why? There I am, washing my hands in the kitchen. No big deal. I get a squirt of our pleasant foaming hand wash. This is just after unloading and reloading the dishwasher. Cool.
During squirt the thought ‘Never’ intrudes. Along with many other thoughts and words that I was able to let go and not think twice about. I’m pretty sure I had probably just shrugged off a few “more intrusive” thoughts than that. This one had me hung up though.
Why did I freeze? What was it about this invader that had me second guessing if I should give a second go of the soap pump? It was much less invasive when compared to thoughts of what might be hiding in the garbage disposal.
Or was it?
I Got To Thinking:
While washing my hands and debating on a compulsive pump, I thought hard. ‘Never’ what? Never mind, never say never, never have I ever? Those didn’t seem like anything to tip the scale and lean towards stopping this impressive streak. A couple of days without giving in to compulsion feels really good. Mighty satisfying.
And I kept thinking. ‘Never’ what? Never succeed, never stop, never fail? Ah ha, now I get it. Think long and hard about something and you can find the negative spin. Whatever compulsion free streak I had going was broken. I reached over, compulsively pumped, and instantly became mad at myself.
Because of the word ‘Never’? Come on man, that’s weak.
‘Never’ What:
“Never succeed” shook me. I have goals, I am taking risks on myself. Not succeeding is super scary. So I got the second-squirt.
“Never stop” what – Compulsively reacting to my thoughts? This is so contradicting. UGH OCD! Is this a threat or a challenge. Of course I can stop, or can I? I had just given in on a second pump that I was already regretting, don’t feed it again. I did though, for a second second-squirt.
“Never fail”? What are you trying to say here? What am I trying to say here? Failures are a part of all the great’s success stories. It’s necessary, I understand that, I’ve had plenty of failures, just like everyone. A little boastful to say you never fail at anything like an arrogant know-it-all piece of – -. No, I don’t want to be that arrogant know-it-all… so I give in again. A third second-squirt.
Seems Small Right:
It’s not small. While recovering with OCD, the goal is not to give in compulsively to intrusive thoughts or images – big or small. You have to prove bigger than the disorder. To have knocked down so many other obsessive thoughts before ‘Never’ felt powerful. Battles were won.
Once you give in, it starts the loop all over and the next thought isn’t as easy to shake off. I was pissed for a moment and moved on. I was really pissed later when I found myself giving in to other triggers that I thought I was doing so well with.
We have to keep in the forefront that recovery is ongoing. I can do this. You can do this. We can do this!
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Check out another post regarding recovery: My OCD Recovery Started When…
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