How to begin your road to recovery – whether in therapy or on your own. I believe with OCD, the short answer is to let the tears flow. Eventually we fail so much at trying to figure it out that we grow tired of the feeling. Which in returns gives us the desire to begin recovery.
But what about before the tears and after tears. Before the tears, we wander and linger with roads that lead nowhere. It becomes a shit show that we allow no one in for admission. The road to recovery can be right in front of us, and we cannot seem to see it. As the tears flow and flow, the more often the better, it becomes more visible.
Road To Recovery – Before The Tears:
Before there are tears, there are tons of questions. What is wrong with me? What am I doing? Why am I doing this and why can I not control it? Is this a phase or the beginning of crazy? My favorite one, am I the only one going through this?
For me, the beginning of OCD was a ginormous unknown. Including the small detail that what I am experiencing is indeed something called Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. I thought I was going crazy and couldn’t explain it to anyone. Even when I made attempts, I couldn’t find the words that explained everything as a whole. Its complexity baffled me to the core, leading me to suffer in silence.
Yep, that’s what I’ll do. I will hold it in and hope it doesn’t corrupt me. I wouldn’t share, I wouldn’t allow others in. As a result, I would become unrecognizable – To myself and the ones closest to me. I didn’t feel like me, so I kept myself hidden, even from me. Honestly, that was a sucky feeling. And, it would only get worse.
This disorder will bring you to tears. Which actually might be the best part. If it hurt any less, the tears might not feel so imminent. The tears help as they lead us to the road to recovery.
Road To Recovery – During The Tears:
Ah yes, let those tears flow. We get so worked up and become so unrecognizable that tears clear the way for reason to kick in. If you cry hard enough, it seems to soften the barrier shell OCD has built around us. With the barrier softened, we can give a shit about the stigmas and open up.
We can now open up to us by pulling back a layer and examine our situation. The questions become a different set of questions. Is this who I want to be? Can I continue to give in to OCD and remain some level of happy? Not just myself, but is this impacting anyone else I love and care about?
OCD seems so must bigger during the tears. We get an outside view during this period though. Look at how small we feel. We see the challenge for what it is – a tall order of what-the-crap. Because the challenge is so visible in this state, we have a choice to make. The road to recovery is right there. To make it viewable, it requires us to shrink OCD down to size. Invite determination in and the possibility to be bigger than the disorder.
Tears – As weak as that might sound, it’s a strong ass push.
Road To Recovery – After The Tears:
How do I fix this? That’s the first question I think of when I’m fed up – possibly the only one after tears. Answers and resolutions, that’s what I’m looking for. That’s all I’m looking for. The focus becomes so clear. As a result, my thinking becomes much clearer also.
In this moment, the feeling of winning is real. I would have those moments of failure that eventually lead to fed up. The more this occurrs, the more confident I would become in discovering this road to recovery. Intrusive thoughts would impede so often to where I couldn’t control my reactions. An absolute terrible feeling.
After the tears, a stripped down fighter would remain. Nothing but fight would remain in this moment. Intrusive thoughts make their way in again, but in this moment, my reactions evolve. What kind of shit do I give in this stage as I bare my nakedness. The stripped down fighter that remains would gain strength in weakness. I hold on to these moments and remember this triumph. For the triumphs do not always last.
The further we are from this fed up moment, the easier we forget, falling back into the traps. The further we are from ‘after the tears’, the closer we become to ‘before the tears’. OCD is huge on cycles, but this cycle we can use to our advantage. The fed up moments after the tears become stronger and stronger, eventually giving the push towards this road to recovery.
A Trail For Success:
Coping With OCD is a result of the tearful agony the disorder portrays. Before I thought that recovery was ever an option, I looked forward to the tears – the real tears. I couldn’t force it, it doesn’t work the same. It has to come from failures. My OCD would push and push and push so often until I felt I had no more fight in me.
But to be honest, that is when the fight actually begins. We layer up in clothing and to block out OCD with a protective shell. As each layer is chipped at, and each article of clothing is tugged at, the tears reveal us. All the scars, all of the imperfections, they’re exposed.
We look back and find this trail of shirts, pants, socks, shell, barrier, and shields that didn’t keep it away. We look how far we’ve come and brace ourself. For this road is where we fight.
Free to subscribers
Let me know if you found this helpful. I am curious to hear your spin. Leave a comment or find me on Twitter @UghOCD or Instagram @brentleybigkid.
