So, whether you are familiar with these feelings or not, I look to put a spin on each term that sheds a little more light and focus on how important it is to take our mental health seriously.

With that said, the ABCs of OCD are listed below:

A – Anxiety:

Anxiety – A state of apprehension and psychic tension occurring in some forms of mental disorders.

That feeling in your chest where you feel so absolutely desperate for relief.

Breathe… we’re stronger than we realize in these moments.

B – Battle:

Battle – To fight (a person, army, cause, etc.).

This battle is mostly within, but choose your weapons wisely.

The choice to take OCD head-on is a giant step towards recovery.

C – Compulsions:

Compulsions – A strong, usually irresistible impulse to perform an act, especially one that is irrational or contrary to one’s will.

Various compulsions lead to an abundance of time wasted searching for temporary relief.

For example – excessive checking, repeating, arranging, and accumulating are just a few common compulsions connected with OCD.

D – Disorder:

E – Exposure:

Exposure – A laying open or subjecting to the action or influence of something.

Avoidance only feeds into OCD.

Exposing ourself to that which triggers that tug of anxiety, means we are provoking the battle instead the battle provoking us.

F – Fear:

Fear – Anticipation of the possibility that something unpleasant will occur; something a person is afraid of.

The giant F-word that strikes even the strongest people.

‘Forget Everything And Run or Face Everything And Rise’ ~ Zig Ziglar

G – Guilt:

Guilt – To cause one to feel guilty.

Guilt can lead to inadequacy, depression, and resentment.

Though guilt isn’t always a bad emotion, OCD can leave one feeling guilty more often than necessary.

H – Hoarder:

Hoarder – A supply or accumulation that is hidden or carefully guarded for preservation, future use.

A compulsion that leaves one feeling that objects hold more value than they actually do.

There are sometimes more value in letting some things go.

I – Intrusive Thoughts:

Intrusive Thoughts – Thoughts that intrude; coming without invitation or welcome.

To those who suffer with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, more effort is put towards avoiding these thoughts rather than dismissing the thoughts.

Intrusive thoughts are where the OCD cycle begins, leading to countless hours spent on compulsive behaviors as a result.

J – Jumble:

Jumble – To confuse mentally; muddle.

OCD has a way of muddling up reason with complexity.

Reason is there, rationality is present, but in a pinch, those don’t always make the most sense.

K – Keep Fighting:

L – Loop:

Loop – As in replaying over and over within a cycle.

The OCD Cycle – Intrusive thought, anxiety, compulsions, relief (but the relief is only temporary, until it loops again).

The cycle loops at the next intrusive thought, allowing the disorder to then keep on disordering.

M – Mental:

N – Not Alone:

Not Alone – Not exclusive.

OCD leads us to believe that we are alone in this battle, and that seclusion is best.

It is important for anyone suffering with OCD to know, you are not alone in this battle.

O – Obsessions:

Obsessions – The domination of one’s thoughts or feeling by a persistent idea, image, desire, etc.

Those unwanted intrusive thoughts, and images don’t easily go away.

There are obsessions that we seek, and obsessions that seek us.

P – Pure O:

Pure O – A form of OCD in which a person experiences obsessive, unwanted thoughts without visible compulsions or rituals.

Instead of combating their intrusive thoughts with visible rituals such as hand-washing or counting, they perform repetitive, mental rituals to minimize stress (intrusivethoughts.org).

Suffering in silence, making it easier to hide, and much more difficult to open up.

Q – Questioning:

R – Repeating:

Repeating – To do, make, or perform again.

Repeating – To do, make, or perform again.

Thus replaying thoughts, rituals, compulsions, etc.

S – Stigma:

Stigma – A mark of disgrace or infamy; a stain or reproach, as on one’s reputation.

T – Triggers:

Triggers – To initiate or precipitate (a chain of events, scientific reaction, psychological process, etc.).

It hits, and then the cycle begins from obsession, anxiety, compulsion, to temporary relief.

Avoiding triggers initially relieves more stress, but makes OCD stronger in the long run.

U – Underachieve:

Underachieve – To perform below expectations or achieve less than expected.

More time is spent on compulsive behaviors, taking away focus from that which matters most.

Achieving in battle against OCD is a grand feeling.

V – Values:

Values – To regard or esteem highly.

OCD will challenge someone’s value.

OCD will attempt to mask everything’s true worth.

W – Worry:

Worry – To torment oneself with or suffer from disturbing thoughts; fret.

“Worry means you suffer twice” ~ Newt Scamander

“Worry does not empty tomorrow of its sorrow. It empties today of its strength.” ~ Corrie Ten Boom

X – X (Cancelling):

X (Cancelling) – To make void; revoke; annul.

A common compulsion with OCD is to create rituals to cancel or undo the intrusive thoughts.

Putting much effort into cancelling an intrusive thought or image puts much focus on many other intrusive thoughts or images to then enter.

Y – You Got This:

You Got This – Belief in self.

Believe in ourselves so that we can show OCD that we are boss.

Shout it – “You got this!”.

Z – Zone Out:

Zone out – Lack of focus.

OCD puts focus on OCD.

You, me, we, are NOT OCD!

ABCs Of OCD:

The real ABCs of OCD is that it’s versatile. OCD is diverse and non stereotypical to who it chooses. It is known to be hereditary and adaptable. Recovery is an option and it helps to be able to have someone who can listen and try to understand.

Let me know if you found this helpful. I am curious to hear your spin. Leave a comment or find me on Twitter @UghOCD or Instagram @brentleybigkid.

Resource: Dictionary.com

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Pillow Fight:

It’s nighttime – I approach the light switch to call it a night. My mind is free. The only thought that enters is about how comfy it will be to crawl underneath the sheets. My fingers make contact, and I’m triggered. Death is the thought. With no victim assigned behind the thinking, the options are widely open.

If it were my very own thought, it would be easier. But, what if, what if the thought is about her? She is anticipating lights out just as much as I do in this moment. Lights out, another way of saying death, it could kill her. She watches me hold the switch with a pause, much longer than usual. I go for it in hope of replacing the thought with something happier by the time the switch faces down. No luck on this go.

So what do I do? I flip it back up of course. The room is illuminated again and she and I are unharmed. But I can’t put head to pillow until the switch faces down. Oh no, our relationship is going down, downhill that is. The more flips, the greater the chance things are over for us. Down, up, down, up, yet no other good thought has come to play along.

So I make it a game. With each flick of the switch, a goofy face is made. It makes her smile, after a while, her smiles are a giggle. That becomes my focus and the bad thoughts are forgotten by the time I let go of the switch. Up, down, up, down for maybe the thirtieth time and I have relief. A sigh, a brief walk to my side, and my head lies on my pillow. “You may have OCD”.

Handle That Shit:

What a day. All smiles, I reach the door of my apartment, knowing that on the other side is a furry ball of joy with a wagging butt to greet me. Key turns, knob twists, I cross the threshold, closing the door with me on the other side. This fur-ball, my fur-ball, that barely comes up to my shin, is standing on his hind legs looking up at me with a grin.

I rub his head with my free hand. My non free hand is stuck to the inside door knob. I don’t like the intrusive thought that enters my mind as I enter – It has to go. The only way I know how to do that, is to redo ‘that’. No one else is home, so I ask him to forgive me and remind him that i will be right back. Like, right back.

I don’t drop off my stuff. Instead, I exit, only to re-enter. Crap, I don’t like that unwanted thought either. Another redo is in order. I do it again. This time, I pay attention to the outside. You know, I need to see if anyone is watching me make a fool of myself. Yes, I know it’s foolish, yet I do it anyway. I actually do it a number of times.

At one point, I do drop off my things. My bags are making my shoulders ache, so I get one relief. Feeling embarrassed, I sit, with my back to the door. My free hand petting his head on my lap. My non free hand, hovering above my own head, still stuck to the doorknob. “You may have OCD”.

Calm Down. No, You Calm Down:

In this moment, all I want to do is relax. “Relax”, but I am apparently not listening to myself. I try to focus on my work, but I am triggering bad. My cubicle seems to be getting smaller and when that phone rings, I am sure to lose my cool. Ring-a-ring, so I lose my shit. I disconnect the call before they can even hear the noise in my background.

Now, I am even more triggered. I can’t hold still. I want to stand, but when I do, I can’t let go of the arms of my chair. This feeling owns me, and I can not shake it in the moment. I sit, I stand, I sit, I stand. All without letting go of either arm of the chair. Please, someone walk into my cube so that I might be forced to let go in fear of not letting anyone see me like this.

“Knock, knock, you ready for lunch? Are you alright?” Oh no, did they witness this, am I exposed? I thought I wanted this, now I have to explain or shake this shit off faster than… “Yeah, I’m good. I’m starving. I’ll meet you down there. Just gotta finish something up really quick.” I say something like this.

“Cool, I’ll wait.” They say, they stay, they take a seat. Great, now I have to relax or reveal my status as a fucking weirdo. Calm down. No you calm down. You calm down. HEY, that’s not how this works. I will not be calm in this moment because there is nothing calming about this moment. Fake it, be uneasy while doing it, and we will revisit this later with another opportunity. “You may have OCD”.

You May Have OCD:

Wait, what, did you say OCD? I’m pretty sure what I deal with does not have a name. If it does, it is not OCD. OCD is for neat freaks. These are just some of my initial thoughts hearing that phrase for the first time. If you have read any of my blogs before, this is where my road to recovery begins. With “You may have OCD”.

Let me know if you found this helpful. I am curious to hear your spin. Leave a comment or find me on Twitter @UghOCD or Instagram @brentleybigkid.

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It wasn’t until I began to open up about my whoas that I found a consistent coping mechanism. I would take it even further, seeking out others who feel the same way. Another step further, deciding to track my journey and my experience in the form of this blog. In March of 2019, I would take a large step in coming forward with my ugh moments, vowing to help myself and others with our very own OCD progress. Now, I would like to sit back and share my 2019 experience with OCD since making that decision.

Pre-Blogging:

Suffering with OCD for 20 + years, I would never guess I would actually act on recovery in the form of a blog. I had thought of it, but isn’t that what this disorder is good for – thinking so much it becomes a deterrent?

I remember thinking, “I have goals and my current state with this disorder is a hindrance”. And, looking back, I also remember what really had me believing in recovery started when I realized I wasn’t alone in this suffering. When I started listening to others share their experience. So, I’m taking that leap of faith, that sharing my experience would help me and someone else in our OCD progress.

OCD Progress – March Onward:

I’m starting a blog, I sit down to write, and regression seems to hit hard. Writing is a passion of mine, a dream, a love, yet it is also a giant trigger. Reliving some of my scariest moments, my intimate thoughts, where OCD exposes me, and becomes a more difficult task than I originally thought. Compulsive behaviors that I thought I was coping with, is now getting the best of me and I didn’t like it.

I wanted to shut this blog down instantly. Writing, sharing, opening up, seemed to be bigger than me, and I second-guessed my ability to grow strong enough to see even my first post through.

Hitting that ‘publish’ button on my first article becomes my biggest step toward OCD progress. Letting go of perfection, letting go of this image that sharing weakness would make me weaker. After that, I would have a man-up moment with each ‘publish’. I was beginning to take action and prioritizing my OCD progress for the betterment of myself. That’s a great feeling.

What used to be all-talk is becoming actionable. That’s a confidence booster. And confidence is a weapon when fighting OCD.

Fighting OCD Is Progress:

Fighting with OCD is exhausting. At any moment when we choose not to fight is a setback. I’ve had plenty of setbacks as well in 2019. I would find myself feeling fully recovered from this disorder, only to give in at the next compulsion. Overall, I got better with letting go of unwanted thoughts though. Intrusive thoughts would enter, compulsive behaviors would get ready, and I would stun myself with resisting.

Compulsive behavior is where OCD thrives. This is also where we feel like we are not in control of our minds, leading to anxiety, restlessness, and fear of our very own thoughts. Compulsions are what consume us, and it becomes necessary to fight the urge, fighting back against OCD.

In 2019, I made strides in fighting OCD, focusing on resisting compulsive behaviors. I feel like recovery is a real option. A lot of work of course, but it’s worth it to get back to doing me. Doing the things I love that my OCD would otherwise have me resist.

Relapses And Regressions:

Sure, recovery is a process that takes work. It’s not easy, and though I am making progress, I have moments where regression sets in. My same triggers – throwing away things, multiple double-checks, repeating previous actions to cancel intrusive thinking. They creep in at different points. Leading to hoarding, anxious feelings of needing more triple-checks, and quirky backtracking at the thought of something I don’t like.

It impacts my writing. I am sitting at a computer a lot more now, putting down my thoughts. Relapses can sometime make this a task. I still erase words that are difficult to say, think, or write. As a writer of fantasy, the opportunities to backtrack on words can lead to time wasted and inefficiency. This is a dream of mine, and sometimes I can’t write what I actually want to say due to my interaction with my OCD.

I can say that the effort is there, and I am making OCD progress. Which excites me. The compulsions are still there, but in 2019, I am proud of developing habits to where I fight more. If there is a graph comparing my 2018 with my 2019, I am more than confident it shows less compulsions on the 2019 pie chart. That’s exciting!

OCD Progress and Exposure:

In order to make progress with recovery, it requires exposure – choosing to be triggered and going to battle. My OCD has had me avoiding a lot of my triggers. One that I have avoided for years is watching scary movies. During a scary movie, I used to rewind and perform other compulsions to battle scary thoughts.

I used to enjoy scary movies. In 2019, I attended a few scary movies in the theater, rented some from the box, and would even seek some on Netflix and Hulu. It feels good to be able to be entertained by thrill without being in my own head so much.

Sometimes it’s a rush before the movie or episode would even begin. My chest would pound, might break a sweat, but getting through it would feel like an accomplishment. This accomplishment helps me when I have to write a scary moment in any of my own fantasy novels. I consider this OCD progress.

Regression And Progression:

Starting this blog in March of 2019 has started a trend I would like to keep. That is, progression over regression. Regression and relapse has been unavoidable, but with these failures, I am trying to learn from them instead of dwelling on them. This makes for huge accomplishments in my recovery, and this is where I would like to keep focus.

Let me know if you found this helpful. I am curious to hear your spin. Leave a comment or find me on Twitter @UghOCD or Instagram @brentleybigkid.

The post OCD Progress – A Yearly Review (2019) appeared first on OCD and its many many UGH moments.

Examples Of OCD:

You ever hold a knife, and for whatever reason, that intrusive thought of stabbing someone with it comes to play? It sends a jolt through your body because the thought itself is disturbing. Most would just shake it off. It’s a thought, that certainly isn’t your intention. So why give it any more attention?

Well… before recovery, I would certainly obsess over this unwanted thought. In fact, I would preform rituals or undo what I was currently doing to reassure myself that I was not going to stab anyone. Possibly, to even reassure that I didn’t want to stab someone. As if I have to convince myself I am a decently good person.

The said ritual or undoing could just be acted on once, if my OCD was playing nicely. More often than not, I might have to repeat it three times. Because I like the number. But sometimes, another intrusive thought would enter, making it four times. I might repeat until I get to a number I like. Let’s say 16 – Yeah, I like that, my favorite team won a championship in 2016, so that’s good. Just as easy as I can say 16 works, OCD comes up with something that dispels that notion.

I could get to 21, find reasons to both stop there and to keep going. Guess who wins that battle – keep going it is. I could get to 90 before I find temporary relief. Or… I could also lose count and perform the ritual 89 more times to get back up to speed. It could be a half hour later before I find relief. And that’s only if I was able to hide it from any peering eyes in the room.

Then, another intrusive thought could enter, and the cycle recycles again. Ugh OCD!

Another Example Of OCD:

Meet Niki – A blogger sharing her struggles and progress on her site called The OCD Perspective. She has dealt with severe anxiety since 2007 and diagnosed with OCD in 2016. She is kind enough to share her example of OCD here as well.

OCD feeds off of fears, and Niki has a fear of falling. In high school, her legs would shake, start to wobble – mainly when running, but including other stressful moments as well. She has fallen before with larger crowds around, developing an obsession with the fear of falling often. So much, that larger public places can be a big trigger for her obsession, bringing on anxiety. She explains that she will shop small markets with higher prices, to avoid the crowds at larger chain stores.

Though all version of OCD differ from one another, it follows the same cycle – obsession, anxiety, compulsion, for temporary relief. Niki tends to use food as a compulsion, choosing high protein snacks to ease her mind, and provide that relief. Relief that the extra protein makes her legs stronger. For Niki, she says this only masks the fear, but doesn’t fix the issue.

Another compulsion she would use to ease her mind, is standing on one leg at bedtime. She’s developed this ritual to prove that her legs are strong, but this wouldn’t remove her obsession for fear of falling. The cycle would return all the same, making her, alongside her OCD, obsess even more.

Obsessions get the best of us sometimes. The fear of her legs giving up on her leads to her driving and walking less. But Niki is also choosing to stand up to her OCD. In recovery, she challenges herself to face her fears, her triggers, and compulsions. Kudos to you.

More Examples Of OCD:

One of my favorite follows on Twitter is Michael @ThisIsMich81. He too is open with his struggles and progress when facing his OCD. Talk to anyone with OCD and they are likely to tell you how ‘checking’ things over and over consumes a lot of their time in a day.

This is also true for Michael. We’re not talking double checking here, it becomes an obsession for those suffering with OCD. I’ve even shared how I would constantly check the stove over and over and over and… You get it. Just to verify my eyes and my mind aren’t playing tricks and that it is indeed turned off.

For Michael, who was diagnosed with OCD in 1998, an intrusive thought will strike leading him down a road of constant checking. He’ll worry that he might have stolen money by mistake, so he’ll check pockets and his wallet. Just from a simple intrusive thought questioning his own character.

The thought of a possible heart attack might lead him to checking his pulse multiple times. The compulsive part is checking. Though checking provides a sense of relief, it all cycles at the next scary thought. Whether that being the compulsion to check for stolen money, or checking his pulse, it can lead to more discomfort than relief. Relying on the compulsion makes the obsession stronger.

He might also worry that friends are mad at him without reason. This constant obsession leads to avoidance, bringing added anxiety when playing the dating game as well. Those with OCD can relate.

Recovery is also very important to him. With medication, Michael is committing to keep his OCD under control. Mad kudos to you too.

Explaining OCD:

For those who suffer from OCD, it is important to be able to share. Suffering in silence only does harm, but explaining OCD comes with its many challenges. You have to fight against the stigma, fight against your fears, and open up with vulnerability. Sharing examples of OCD helps in starting that conversation.

Let me know if you found this helpful. I am curious to hear your spin. Leave a comment or find me on Twitter @UghOCD or Instagram @brentleybigkid.

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The stigmas are like backwash to your beverage of choice. It’s the dirt ring leftover after that much needed bath from the daily grind. They are the hairballs from your fluffy kitty after a calamity of a hack. The mental illness stigma is a huge deterrent, keeping plenty of people from seeking help when they need understanding.

The Stain:

Not only does mental illness feel like a stain on the brain, but thanks to stigmas, a stain on society as well. It wasn’t until I was in my mid twenties did I realize that my mental anguish even had a name. The surprising part to me was that the name is OCD. The stain on OCD, and my understanding of what it was back then, was that it meant being a neat-freak. I’m not even tidy, in fact, cleaning is a task I used to find extremely difficult to complete with intrusive thoughts triggering from left and right.

Someone took one quirk from someone else who deals with obsessive compulsive disorder and made a mockery of it. From there it became defined and butchered with “odd-ball” characteristics within all forms of entertainment. It sounds harmless, might even capture a few laughs. Which is fine, nothing wrong with a few laughs. But it’s misguiding, which then leads to a lack of understanding. And when that lack of understanding is about your own self, it causes torment and depression.

Mental health stigmas like this allow for the illnesses and disorders to linger and feed for far longer than they should. Where if we know what we are dealing with from the jump, we can starve it. Without the stain, it’s much easier to discuss the issue so that we can find the remedy.

Mental Health Stigmas:

Complaining sucks, it doesn’t help anything without action. Stigmas that attach themselves to mental health conversations are “stop complaining”, “we all deal with that”, and “get over it”. No one wants to burden others with their issues, so most people hold it in, suffering in silence.

It’s not a burden or complaining when you just want someone who understands. That simple understanding can lead to actions in the right direction. Yes, we all deal with anxiety or versions of depression, we are human. But blanket statements like these lead to mistreatment. Mistreatment leads to more agony, so be careful of one size fits all.

We all deal with things a bit different. My OCD isn’t your OCD. Your anxiety isn’t her anxiety. His depression isn’t her depression. But in sharing, we find connections, and connections build the strongest foundations.

We have to silence the stigma. Not by complaining, but by connecting. Do not let the interpretation of others belittle what you are dealing with so much that we quit on reaching for being better. There are plenty of strong woman with weak moments. There are plenty of vulnerable men who ‘man up’ at any given moment.

Fuck the stigma, it doesn’t see the beauty in being unique.

The Stigma – Let Go Of The Sting:

It makes it impossible to move on when we hold a grudge. I’ve been stung by the stigma and others have too. When I realized that I dealt with, hid, and fed my OCD for over a decade, simply because I was ignorant to its existence. Yeah, it stings, and I will fight for others to not have to go through it that drastically from a lack of knowledge. But I simply have to let go of the sting for myself or the stigma will keep haunting.

The phrase ‘so OCD’ will bother sufferers because it is blindly mocking. And if they truly understand what OCD puts us through, they might not find it so cute. As a result, this is our opportunity to educate instead of getting upset. The stigma exist, and being upset is not going to make it go away. I try my best to let go of the sting in moments like these. That’s my recommendation and I’m sticking to it.

Mental health is a struggle as it is. Compulsions for us OCDoers are already taking up an insane amount of waisted time. Don’t waste more time giving the sting your effort and emotions. Stigmas for all types of mental health are out there. Fight it with an educating voice, not a fork (because forks feed, and… never mind).

What The Stigma Isn’t:

It’s not just quirks, it’s not just oddities, it’s not simply crying, though it can lead to a cry for help. When the stigma is presented in its many forms and fashions, it is only a glimpse of the possible truth. There is way more behind it then what is present at face value.

It may be portrayed as funny, may seem weak, made to look strange and confusing. But understand that there is someone not laughing, someone gaining strength from their weakness, as well as confused with this strangeness. It is not what you see on the surface. There is a hidden battle going on that requires more strength then the stigma portrays.

So lets hush the stigma and help cure stigma.

Let me know if you found this helpful. I am curious to hear your spin. Leave a comment or find me on Twitter @UghOCD or Instagram @brentleybigkid.

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To someone with OCD, we run with these thoughts that seem disturbing or violent. Whether it is violence, disturbing, obscene or offensive, we tend to fail at shaking these off with reason. These intrusive thoughts seem so unacceptable and impede from out of nowhere, that we question its purpose. Unable to dismiss it as just a thought, we draw anxiety from it and milk it dry. More like it milks us dry.

It begins to rob us of our own power. Us OCDoers then develop compulsions to combat the thinking instead of chalking it up as a random thought. We then become intrusive thinkers. Even when we go a while without obsessively acting on our compulsions, we trigger the intrusive thoughts behind them anyway. This is what I hate to call intrusive thinking.

Where we question our thoughts so much that we trigger more intrusive thoughts to show face. The difference is that one comes from out of nowhere, the other is practically invited in.

Intrusive Thoughts:

So what, right? I thought of rear naked choking a complete stranger. I didn’t actually do it, or even attempt to act on it. So why am I questioning if there is something wrong with me? And why am I now acting on these strange compulsions to prove I’m a good person. Or, my compulsion is to battle my magic thinking of my brother losing his lunch money to the unknown bully who puts him in a rear naked choke. Yeah, this is the shit us OCDoers do.

All reason escapes us as these intrusive thoughts impede our daily activities. For some reason, we have to battle these intrusive thoughts instead of letting reasoning in to battle for us. It is then a loop of anxiety that spins us off our own axis. And now the things that deserve our attention get very little of it – because random randomness.

Intrusive thoughts don’t shake off easily. Consider the difference: During a work meeting you think “Octopus for lunch?” – Yuck, no, and we easily dismiss. Or an intrusive thought about your work boss’ “dangle in his worn down boxer briefs” – not that easy.

Why think about his dangle when we should be focusing on this meetings info. Minutes go by, you’ve missed important information and the only thing you’ve reciprocated is that you really don’t care about the boss’s dangle. Yet, we’re still thinking of it, the thought pops up randomly again with an image, and we’re not focused.

With OCD, we dissect the thought a little more as if it has meaning or we don’t want the consequence of said thought. We recall it later so that we can combat it with compulsion. We then invite intrusive thinking in because of all the attention we’ve given it.

Intrusive Thinking:

We are creative, so we begin to spin even the good thoughts into intrusive thoughts. Us OCDoers are so bothered by these unwanted thoughts that we become susceptible to more and more attempts. A big trigger for me used to be doorways. In or out of a room, house, or building – there would be a good chance for an intrusive thought to stop me in my tracks. The compulsion would be to retry without an intrusive thought or a much more pleasing thought.

My intrusive thinking is the trigger actually. I had gotten so accustomed to my mind being racked by doorways, that the anticipation invited it on in anyway. I could be all smiles, nothing bothering, see the door ahead, and right on entry – THUMP! My noggin would be flicked with an intrusive thought.

Ugh OCD! This type of intrusive thinking makes the disorder a nightmare. Because you feel like you can’t win, you feel like you’re not in control. But not all thoughts are meant to be controlled. They come and go, it’s us that makes them stick. It’s us that turns the intrusive thoughts into intrusive thinking.

In order for recovery to be affective, it’s now time to revert them back – to just thoughts.

One Is Natural, One Is A Disorder:

Everyone deals with intrusive thoughts. Some are just better at shaking them off compared to others. That’s the difference between them and those that engage in intrusive thinking. We harp so much about it, that we let it negatively impact how we react. That’s how it becomes obsessive.

And how do we react? With compulsions and anxiety – anxiety that pushes us to compulsive behaviors. This takes us into that loop, it’s our attempt at relief – obsession, anxiety, compulsions, relief, back to the next obsession. This is the disorder, and it cycles through these actions for intrusive thinkers.

We become tricked into thinking that the relief portion is real. It’s not, it’s only temporary. And the worst part, it has everything to do with flipping intrusive thoughts into intrusive thinking.

But there is real relief in recovery. Recovery means sacrificing that temporary relief for a more sustainable relief. It starts with avoiding compulsions, that is where we think we gain that temporary relief.

We can do it – We got this!

Let me know if you found this helpful. I am curious to hear your spin. Leave a comment or find me on Twitter @UghOCD or Instagram @brentleybigkid.

The post Intrusive Thoughts Versus Intrusive Thinking appeared first on OCD and its many many UGH moments.

It’s really that simple. If I can, quick story: Before OCD recovery even started for me, I thought the best way to beat it was to not care. I knew its power over me was due to me caring so much. I wanted to figure out how to give zero fucks. So, I surrounded myself with strangers and claimed that I would care substantially less. I quickly learned that size matters and I was at a disadvantage.

Couldn’t help but care for these strangers, who are now some of my closest friends. I even proposed marriage to one, and she said yes. Size matters to her too, as I spilled all of my quirks and issues – she began to care about my OCD on a level I thought no one else could.

Alright OCD, I’m not good at zero fucks, but now I am claiming to give less fucks to you.

Size Matters:

Let them say otherwise. I am convinced that no other OCDoer would claim this to be false. We mosey along performing our rituals and compulsions out of love and care. Size matters yo, because if it didn’t, we’d just scratch the urge at every given chance. But it’s so freaking hard when we don’t want these unwanted thoughts to see themselves through.

It’s odd to even say how much love is behind each compulsion. Because we hate the compulsion in the first place. In order to shake OCD, it requires us to look the other way at our rituals. We only perform these rituals and compulsion because of love. It’s strange and we know it is strange, yet we do it anyway.

We spend hours in our heads and on these performances because we care. Size matters, and this obsessive disorder knows it and feeds on it. So those hours in our head and redoing the strangest quirks lead to both torment and relief. So fucking strange – Ugh OCD!

OCD will claim it too, that size matters, because that’s where its strength lies.

Big Minds Think Alike:

Big hearts act alike too. So much of OCD is the fear of harm to others around you. Some of the more famous stories of OCDoers, you might’ve already heard before. Like, crippling at the touch of a knife fearing they might purposely attack with it. Or, every pothole convincing them they hit somebody. Even as simple as keeping your hands so clean, they rub their hands raw.

All of the stories surrounding the real OCD is trying to protect others, inside the mind. We all can understand that pain. What is really happening, is that these fears of harm steer us in to isolation – where OCD grows. We begin to care so much that we attempt to remove actions all together. Whether its the knife, the car, or the germs – these attempts to flush out the unease, really flush away our true self. Which, as a result, takes the OCDoer out of the equation. Either by the loved ones’ choice or our own choice to stay in hiding.

Size matters – the heart is so big that we take on as much of the pain to ourselves to not harm others. The pain is inside, the torment sucks time away, and the agony wears us down. We all become unrecognizable to our own self. So when we each try to quit, and listen to reason, we engage in an internal battle. A battle of this self versus our true self.

True self has such an uphill climb because strength has been focused on this self, the disordered self.

Size Matters Still For The Smaller True Self:

The bigger the fight, the bigger the win. That’s how I look at my recovery now which helps me make big steps. My disordered self has more experience, more involvement, more power, and more wins. My true self though, has more to gain, more to win, more heart, and more to fight for. Let’s not discredit dreams as a weapon of choice here.

My disordered self only thinks of existing – small minded by OCD. My true self wants to see dreams come true. Though my true self is currently smaller than my disordered self, that part of me thinks bigger. That’s why my focus on recovery is so important. Beating the disorder is a huge deal. Not only to me, but for the ones I love and our dreams too.

Yo, do you hear me? If you suffer with OCD, have suffered from OCD, or even recovered from, I know that you hear me. It seems like it is the biggest win for our mental health. Don’t downplay that either, because our mental health is everything. If that is where we suffer, then we are sufferers. If that is where we achieve, then we are achievers. When our mental health is strong, we are stronger.

Our true self is the underdog in this story with the biggest to gain.

Big Steps:

Steps are steps, no matter the size – steps toward a goal is necessary, especially during recovery. Small step after small step after small step add up to giant steps. Huge steps are big confidence boosters. Put them all together, and we’re looking at progress. Progress is progress, and that is what we ask of ourselves.

Let’s jump back to OCD and reasoning for just a second. With this disorder in charge, reasoning sounds like bullshit. All the while, our true self is drowning as it is trying to feed us reasoning and we just ignore it. That’s what makes this inner battle so difficult. We both know and don’t know what we are fighting for.

It all sounds crazy, yet we go with the flow of our obsessive compulsive self. That version doesn’t make sense, and here there is a version of us that does make sense, still we tuck that version deep down and give them a tiny tiny voice. But, the more steps we make toward progress, that tiny voice gets bigger and bigger and bigger.

The steps become bigger, our progress becomes bigger and it’s all possible without sacrificing size. Our hearts can still love and care big, that’s who we are. We don’t have to revert to giving zero fucks for everything, because our size matters.

Let me know if you found this helpful. I am curious to hear your spin. Leave a comment or find me on Twitter @UghOCD or Instagram @brentleybigkid.

The post Size Matters appeared first on OCD and its many many UGH moments.

So why write about mental illness, why share stories of OCD? It just exposes our weakness. Not everyone will understand – especially those who don’t deal with it too. Some will judge, some will criticize, some will ignore, and some will even mock. I’ve heard the “man up”, here and there – the ones with good intentions and mockery behind it.

We don’t share for them, we don’t open up with them in mind. But somehow they are the ones on our mind when we hold it in. I share for me, the ones that think they are alone, and the ones who have questions. I’ve been there before, holding it in, keeping it bottled up – suffering in silence as a result. This is why I write, share, blog about mental health. This is my version of manning up.

Manning Up:

Our battles from within can steer us in many directions. The stigmas don’t help, the criticism can confuse us if we let it. We all know the undertone when we are told to man up (if not, try urban dictionary). You might as well hand over your man-card right away, right. Wrong – no one else’s view of you matters.

More than likely, the man up feeling is coming from within. What, society telling you to man up? Who from within society is saying this enough, verbally, to derail your movement? We hear it a few times, most in jokingly fashion and hold on to it. It then sticks out when we hear it repeated in whatever form of the media or friendly banter. But that’s just stigma, magnifying from inside.

So now, when we’re hurting on the inside, it’s the inside voice manifesting this ‘man up’. That is the exact reason why we need to speak up. To combat the hurt on the inside, so that it doesn’t destroy from the inside. That’s manning up.

We’re just supposed to allow our mental health to fade because we cant man up and spit out our truths? We’re just supposed to forget how to really man up by following suit on what society says manning up is? You mean to tell me their version of man up is better than your own version?

100 percent of those telling others to man up need to man up. Give or take 100 on that percentage.

Man The F*** Up:

Man down, man down – quick, all the fellas around, lets help this man up. That’s how you man the fuck up – not by letting ya boy sulk there.

More Manly Then Man Up:

We spend so much time knocking each other down, we forget how to recognize when they need a lift. And if you are actually getting that ‘man up’ thrown in your face, here… These are quotes that say it better, stronger, braver, and more manly then their version of man up.

“I always just thought if you see somebody without a smile, give’em yours!” ~ Dolly Parton

“The most courageous act is still to think for yourself. Aloud.” ~ Coco Chanel

“A great man is always willing to be little.” ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

“Turn your wounds into wisdom.” ~ Oprah Winfrey

“It’s not whether you get knocked down, it’s whether you get up.” ~ Vince Lombardi

“Be yourself; everyone else is already taken.” ~ Oscar Wilde

“What worries you, masters you.” ~ John Locke

“Whatever you do, do with all your might.” ~ Cicero

“Those who dare to fail miserably can achieve greatly.” ~ John F. Kennedy

“I like criticism. It makes you strong.” ~ LeBron James

Well said.

And Well Done:

Enough talk though, let’s put some action behind those words. I don’t talk about self talk enough. Whether you suffer from OCD or not, negative self talk gets in all of the ways. It even gets in the way of our own positive self talk. I can spin a positive thought like a break dancing turtle on its back. It actually takes practice to start believing the positive self talk, if you’re not used to it.

Think of the difference – negative self talk stops action, while positive self talk promotes action. For example – ‘I’m a loser’ versus ‘I’m a winner’. Both of these thoughts promote quitting: One makes quitting inevitable, the other states that quitting is not even an option.

Here is another example – ‘man up’ versus ‘man up’. This is not a trick by the way. Compare it to the half glass of water exercise. The negative self will view it as half empty, while the positive self sees the remaining half as value.

The same rule can be followed for ‘manning up’. We can either view it as no action necessary so that we can maintain someone else’s version of a man-card. Or, take hold of it by the bull horns and take action on your version of ‘manning up’.

That’s turning our well saids in to Well dones.

Juggling Balls:

To be able to juggle your balls, you need to be in control of the space around you. That includes your mental space as well. If there are others crowding around you, slapping, grabbing, while you’re juggling those balls, you’re losing control. Now balls are bouncing everywhere.

Simply and nicely, take back control of your space by advising that you are manning up, and they do not need to juggle your balls for you.

Man Up:

You got this.

Let me know if you found this helpful. I am curious to hear your spin. Leave a comment or find me on Twitter @UghOCD or Instagram @brentleybigkid.

The post Man Up appeared first on OCD and its many many UGH moments.

Our ability to shake off some of these unwanted thoughts allow us to keep our sanity. I don’t know what it is about the ones that stick and come back versus the ones I shake off with expertise, but the ones that win in the moment obtain a power. Even if that moment is split second, it’s jolted and knows that it’s on to something.

Unwanted Thoughts On Returning:

I grabbed a hold of one these unwanted thoughts as it was kind enough to answer a few questions.

Me: Thanks for taking the time to sit with me.

Unwanted thought: Please, call me Roger.

Me: Very well then. Roger, what gives you the mother fucking audacity to return to a place where you are unwanted?

Roger: Oh that’s easy. See, us unwanted thoughts mosey along unnoticed on the regular. As soon as we get some attention, we latch on. We reciprocate that love.

Me: Love ay, that’s an interesting concept. Considering the unwanted thoughts we are sometimes unable to shake, come off as the most disturbing. You consider that an invitation of love?

Roger: What else would you call it?

Me: A sicko show from the tales of heebygeebies.

Roger: No, you’ve got it all wrong. Take me for example ‘Really Old Guy Evokes Rage’. You’re not mad at this stranger that happens to be old and holding up the line. I am random as shit, all of us thoughts are. We have this toy, where we spin upwards to 20 different word wheels. Rear naked choke came up and you accepted. It doesn’t mean you want to react on it, but I caught your attention and felt love for a second.

Me: See, there you go again, bringing it back up Roger. You didn’t have to mention the rear naked choke – you did it anyways though. That’s not me, I wouldn’t do that.

Roger: Hey man, relax, it’s just a game us thoughts play. We constantly bounce around, and the ones that keep bouncing without a glance disappear. I stuck and I appreciate that, so thanks. If it were Halle Berry holding up the line, you would’ve cut me off at rear naked – –

Me: Roger that.

Unwanted Thoughts On Neglect:

Roger: Hello, hello?

Me: Roger, is that you, what are you doing at such a random moment?

Roger: Were we done with the interview? I’ve been trying to get your attention but you were letting all these other randoms in instead.

Me: So you decided to show up unannounced, while walking my dog is the best time?

Roger: Unannounced sure, but you chose the time to accept. Don’t just blame this on me, I didn’t ask to be neglected during other moments.

Me: Oh, maybe you’re right Roger.

Roger: Don’t sweat it, but you can call me Der now.

Me: Der?

Der: Yeah, like ‘Dog Evokes Rage’.

Me: Oh now I want to rear naked choke dogs now?

Der: No, absolutely not. During neglect I have evolved. It’s either that or fade. We had such an enlightened conversation earlier, the unwanted thoughts have kinda circled around MMA moves. It’s cool, nothing to worry about. The dog is near, we’re conversing again, so the dog gets the randomness. Don’t sweat it, you love this little guy. Isn’t he the cutest, sexiest little thing?

Me: Whatever Der.

Der: Alright, see what you did there? I threw out sexy as a title for your dog and it disappeared. You gave it no love.

Me: Because it’s ridiculous.

Der: And so is the rear naked choke.

Me: You’re right, you’re so absolutely right. Der, you still there?

Der: Fading bro, the neglect really hurts – –

Me: Moving on.

Who’d Have Thunk It:

Der: Hey, look who came back around. You had me going for a while.

Me: Der, Is that you?

Der: Sure is, what brings you back here?

Me: Watching TV and the sports analyst mentioned a rare naked choke. Got me thinking about that time, when – you know.

Der: Heck yeah I know, I remember the really old guy, the dog, and the sn-sna-snake.

Me: The snake? Dang-it Der, why did you remind me of the snake? Those were all so long ago, I thought I had let those go. I suppose you’d like me to call you Ser now?

Der: Ha, close one, but nope. Ser is snake evoking rage, and you kind sir are just afraid of the sn-sna-snake. So you can just call me Snake.

Me: I am not calling you Snake. In fact, this interview is over, so you can just leave.

Snake: Well…

Me: I said you can leave, and I’m not calling you Snake. If I do that, then I’ll just be thinking about snakes and more snakes as a result. No snake, I mean roger, I mean Der, I mean – Ugh!

Snake: Yikes, you’re getting all itchy and stuff. Do you mind me asking why? Never mind, I can tell why now as you’re hopping on top of furniture as if snakes are actually chasing.

Me: Ah!

Snake: Well, I’m just going to go ahead and pull up a seat. Looks like you and I are going to be roommates for a while. To think, you neglected me and I disappeared, now you obsess and I move in. Howdy roomy, we got any popcorn for the popping?

Unwanted Thoughts On Unwanted Thoughts:

Me: Whew, well that got a little out of hand didn’t it?

Unwanted Thoughts: Yeah!

Me: Whoa, not all at once. Let’s keep it smooth here. So, just wanted to interview you guys while I’m working on recovery. How are y’all doing?

…

Me: Hmmm, wonder if there’s some technical difficulties, can barely hear them.

Just a parody on what I think it would be like to interview some of the unwanted thoughts we have.

Let me know if you found this helpful. I am curious to hear your spin. Leave a comment or find me on Twitter @UghOCD or Instagram @brentleybigkid.

The post Unwanted Thoughts appeared first on OCD and its many many UGH moments.

But what about before the tears and after tears. Before the tears, we wander and linger with roads that lead nowhere. It becomes a shit show that we allow no one in for admission. The road to recovery can be right in front of us, and we cannot seem to see it. As the tears flow and flow, the more often the better, it becomes more visible.

Road To Recovery – Before The Tears:

Before there are tears, there are tons of questions. What is wrong with me? What am I doing? Why am I doing this and why can I not control it? Is this a phase or the beginning of crazy? My favorite one, am I the only one going through this?

For me, the beginning of OCD was a ginormous unknown. Including the small detail that what I am experiencing is indeed something called Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. I thought I was going crazy and couldn’t explain it to anyone. Even when I made attempts, I couldn’t find the words that explained everything as a whole. Its complexity baffled me to the core, leading me to suffer in silence.

Yep, that’s what I’ll do. I will hold it in and hope it doesn’t corrupt me. I wouldn’t share, I wouldn’t allow others in. As a result, I would become unrecognizable – To myself and the ones closest to me. I didn’t feel like me, so I kept myself hidden, even from me. Honestly, that was a sucky feeling. And, it would only get worse.

This disorder will bring you to tears. Which actually might be the best part. If it hurt any less, the tears might not feel so imminent. The tears help as they lead us to the road to recovery.

Road To Recovery – During The Tears:

Ah yes, let those tears flow. We get so worked up and become so unrecognizable that tears clear the way for reason to kick in. If you cry hard enough, it seems to soften the barrier shell OCD has built around us. With the barrier softened, we can give a shit about the stigmas and open up.

We can now open up to us by pulling back a layer and examine our situation. The questions become a different set of questions. Is this who I want to be? Can I continue to give in to OCD and remain some level of happy? Not just myself, but is this impacting anyone else I love and care about?

OCD seems so must bigger during the tears. We get an outside view during this period though. Look at how small we feel. We see the challenge for what it is – a tall order of what-the-crap. Because the challenge is so visible in this state, we have a choice to make. The road to recovery is right there. To make it viewable, it requires us to shrink OCD down to size. Invite determination in and the possibility to be bigger than the disorder.

Tears – As weak as that might sound, it’s a strong ass push.

Road To Recovery – After The Tears:

How do I fix this? That’s the first question I think of when I’m fed up – possibly the only one after tears. Answers and resolutions, that’s what I’m looking for. That’s all I’m looking for. The focus becomes so clear. As a result, my thinking becomes much clearer also.

In this moment, the feeling of winning is real. I would have those moments of failure that eventually lead to fed up. The more this occurrs, the more confident I would become in discovering this road to recovery. Intrusive thoughts would impede so often to where I couldn’t control my reactions. An absolute terrible feeling.

After the tears, a stripped down fighter would remain. Nothing but fight would remain in this moment. Intrusive thoughts make their way in again, but in this moment, my reactions evolve. What kind of shit do I give in this stage as I bare my nakedness. The stripped down fighter that remains would gain strength in weakness. I hold on to these moments and remember this triumph. For the triumphs do not always last.

The further we are from this fed up moment, the easier we forget, falling back into the traps. The further we are from ‘after the tears’, the closer we become to ‘before the tears’. OCD is huge on cycles, but this cycle we can use to our advantage. The fed up moments after the tears become stronger and stronger, eventually giving the push towards this road to recovery.

A Trail For Success:

Coping With OCD is a result of the tearful agony the disorder portrays. Before I thought that recovery was ever an option, I looked forward to the tears – the real tears. I couldn’t force it, it doesn’t work the same. It has to come from failures. My OCD would push and push and push so often until I felt I had no more fight in me.

But to be honest, that is when the fight actually begins. We layer up in clothing and to block out OCD with a protective shell. As each layer is chipped at, and each article of clothing is tugged at, the tears reveal us. All the scars, all of the imperfections, they’re exposed.

We look back and find this trail of shirts, pants, socks, shell, barrier, and shields that didn’t keep it away. We look how far we’ve come and brace ourself. For this road is where we fight.

Let me know if you found this helpful. I am curious to hear your spin. Leave a comment or find me on Twitter @UghOCD or Instagram @brentleybigkid.

The post How To Begin Your Road To Recovery appeared first on OCD and its many many UGH moments.