Who says entertainment has to be fun? That you should be enjoying yourself and company of others? Who says… SHUT UP OCD! Gosh! Anyone else actually picture their OCD as a weird green boogery cloud with bugging eyes and a large mouth? No? Moving on then to OCD woes and how it made entertainment a drag.
Before recovery was even a thought, it impacted things I found most joyful. Entertainment in the form of sports, movies, music, television, art, games, reading, writing, fitness, and eating began to fall short of expectations to say the least.
Let’s start with my first love, and a story I previously spoke of [here]…
OCD Woes – Basketball:
As a kid, sure, I thought of injuries and had my rituals to try to offset them, but nothing mentally kept me from actually playing basketball – Because I was a hooper and I loved it sooooo much.
Once I graduated college and had plenty more responsibilities, the thought of being injured during basketball weighed on me even when I wasn’t playing. I got injured playing basketball so often as a kid – It stuck with me as an adult! To the point where basketball was better as a spur of the moment thing versus planning to get together with friends and hooping.
Spur of the moment meant less time holding door knobs and back tracking in and out of rooms. The anticipation was the worst.
The anxiety weighed a ton. If I had planned to play basketball a few days out, those few days before would be spent full of compulsions to combat just the thought of a basketball related injury. I would be so on edge until I actually began to play. Then, most times, I could enjoy it during.
After playing, my anxiety would plummet back to whatever its lowest level back then was. I could smile, be normal, feel normal, enjoy the game we just had and realize that OCD doesn’t mean facts.
OCD Woes – Music:
If basketball was my first form of love, music was my second. I need music. Music is amazing. At one point, music and I went through a rough patch. I couldn’t stay away, but it constantly pushed me towards compulsive behaviors. If I wasn’t blaring it out loud, be sure I was blaring it through headphones/ earbuds.
But different things would hit me during my listening experience. If an artist mentioned death or pain or anything with a negative thought, and I at the same time thought of someone I knew – not only would I try to undo whatever action I was doing when I heard it, I would have to rewind the song, listen to that part over again, and force myself not to think of that person again this time.
OCD, you’re messing with my music damn it. Here’s an example. If I’m cleaning windows with headphones on, the artist mentions suicidal thoughts at the same time my roommate just walked in – Dang! Now I’m rewashing that window and rewinding the song 15 seconds or so and making sure not to make eye contact with anyone until that part is over.
A 5 minute song might take an agonizing 10 minutes to listen to. That’s probably not completing the song or enjoying. If an unwanted thought crept in, rewind. An unwanted image while jogging, I’m rewinding my skip proof CD player lodged in my backpack. And if this happened while listening to the radio, be sure I turned the volume down then back up. That’s if I’m by myself.
If I wasn’t by myself when this happened, then I created a new compulsion to tell me it was alright. Yelling louder in my head to drown it out or doing shit with my fingers. This certainly took me out of the moment.
Draining!
OCD Woes – Movies and Television:
I couldn’t avoid either because I still enjoyed them, even though it was a trigger for anxiety. So I developed a new compulsion when watching things happen that I couldn’t unwatch happening. I started to blink. Blink a lot too.
Just like with music, if something happened during a movie or televisions and I had an intrusive thought or image of someone I know at the same time, I would rewind the TV or movie if I could. This became difficult to do and to hide. So I developed a twitch like blink where I told myself it was undoing that scene with rapid blinks. Strange right? Probably not to others with OCD.
I began to feel crazy trying to keep up with the latest movies and television because of this and sometimes I would watch something and not even understand what was happening because of the focus required on this compulsion and hiding it from others.
So Draining!
OCD Woes – Art:
I consider myself an artist. Especially when my OCD was at its highest, I drew a lot. Guess what, I almost stopped drawing altogether. It became difficult to enjoy it when I was erasing and redrawing because of thoughts. Perfect circles would get erased to trace back over it. I would begin shading or coloring the subject on my poster board and have to erase slightly then redo because of what I was thinking about during.
Since trying so desperately not to think of something makes you think about that something even more, drawing became a task. It wasn’t fun for me and I’ve only recently started drawing again for joy.
OCD Woes – Games:
Video games has normally been one where I can tune out OCD for the most part. My reaction to this became a moderate addiction. This was an escape. I would camp in my place for an entire weekend because my thoughts were defeating bosses and levels instead of defeating friends that I care for.
Playing so many video games impacted my relationships with others and my career goals. I was avoiding everything else but.
I still play video games and enjoy them now. More so games that I can challenge with others instead of barricading myself in and playing until my thumbs locked into position.
OCD Woes – Reading and Writing:
Speaking of my goals, I’ve always wanted to be a writer. If reading and writing is going to be a trigger for my compulsions, I would have to begin recovery from OCD – PRONTO! If not I would either have to let go of this goal, or it not be an enjoyable experience if my OCD is going rule over it.
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Just like movies, television, and music, the best stories involve different ranges of emotions. With my OCD in control, it only allowed for me to read or write good things only. That’s boring, and boring kills creativity.
Two of my favorite things to do was leaving me without creative rights behind it all. It was OCD calling the shots and putting limits on imagination.
A big reason why I wanted to start this blog is to continue with my recovery and not be scared to share. To write, read, and feel without restraints put on my capabilities.
OCD Woes – Fitness and Eating:
I was also at my heaviest of 240 pounds while OCD was calling all the shots. My fitness had no regimen – My eating had no concerns.
I didn’t want to eat well. It became difficult to keep up with exercising. I also was drinking a lot of alcohol. Alcohol allowed me to dismiss those intrusive thoughts that lead to those uncontrollable compulsions. I thought at one point I was going to give in to being an alcoholic. Wow, giving yourself that title sounds scary.
It sounded even scarier when someone called me OCD. That title was nauseating, gut wrenching. Someone else had seen what I was doing to myself and had a name for it – Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. I had never heard of it being used outside of defining someone who is particular about cleanliness.
That’s when I started recovery, when I began to research and look into the why’s behind it. A big part of my recovery is learning this disorder. Another big part of my recovery involves caring about my fitness and how I eat.
Check out some of my other posts where I share other woes: Never Thought It, Hiding OCD From Others.
Let me know if you found this helpful. I am curious to hear your opinions. Leave a comment or find me on Twitter @UghOCD or Instagram @brentleybigkid.
