Oh, you want to OCD do ya? Great, you’ve come to the right place then. Here, we teach you how to OCD your ass off like a boss. And look cool doing it too. Fantastic! Let’s jump right in.
Alarm Goes Off:
Rise and shine sunshine. That annoying ringtone that is buzzing right next to you is your programmed wake up call. You startle for a second, grab your phone, turn off your alarm only to allow another alarm to ding. This alarm is internal though. It says to you “Whoa… you can’t just swipe off the alarm so hastily! Do it again.”
You want to OCD your ass off so you have to listen. Nope, get back here. Don’t you try to skip this lesson. Swipe your alarm back to ‘on’, then swipe it back ‘off’. Come on, you can do it, just one more time. Awesome, yay! You did it. Wasn’t that easy?
Ope! Wait a tic tockin minute. That second one, we have to redo that too. Yeah… while you were swiping, an intrusive thought came in. Can’t allow that to come true because you were being careless. Here, one more time, swipe on – swipe off. Really quick. You got this. Great! That was perfect. You’re ready for your… oh wait.
It’s not an even number though. I know, I know what your thinking. Why does it have to be even. Look, you want to OCD or not? Ok, listen to the voice in your head that makes the least amount of sense, then do it again. Once more… make it even to balance everything out. Everything is about balance.
See that wasn’t so hard.
Snooze:
15 minutes later – I think you’re ready to start your first OCD lesson. I know what we said, the alarm thing was supposed to be lesson one right? Nope, that was a warmup. You swiped with intrusive thoughts close to fifty times. We lost count somewhere so that’s good. As a result, we can just move on and assume it was an even amount of swiping.
Now, you get to get dressed with OCD, yay! Come on, a little more enthusiasm from you please. Give that unreasonable voice a little more volume in your head this time. There you go, much better.
“Ow!”
Yikes, was that a toe you stubbed? You have to be more careful. You can’t be walking around with one stubbed toe all day. That sounds terrible. Therefore, you gotta even that out. Go on, hurry up, stub the other big toe. Even if its only a little stub. Mentally, it’ll feel better and then you can possibly move on to putting on some underwear.
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Are you ready yet? What about now? Perfect! You forced your mind to be so clear during the second stubbing too. You’re getting the hang of this. It only took you about five minutes to stare into blankness before you cleared all of those intruding thoughts. That second stubbing deserves kudos. Go ahead, smile, you earned that one.
How To OCD Your Ass Off – Getting Dressed:
Now let’s get you some underwear. Open your drawer, and close it, and open it again. How about those red ones? Nah, you ate a tomato last night. What? You bit into that thing like a freaking monster. You want a monster to bite into you like that? Didn’t think so. Pick a different pair of red underwear if you insist on your boxer panties being red then.
Those red ones right there. Hold on, is that a hole? Yep, put them away. We certainly don’t want those ones on. What do you mean why? What if you get falsely accused for money laundering? You want to have holes in your story? Holes in your underwear could possibly lead to holes in your story. I don’t know about you, but don’t get fired from work today all because you picked some shredded bloomers.
Still Getting Dressed:
15 minutes later – So far so good. You managed to pick out the almost perfect pair of briefs and socks. You know what, how bout you go into your closet alone on this one. You’re already running late for work now. You go do that by yourself and we’ll wait out here.
By the way, no intrusive thinking while you’re in there.
Still Getting Dressed:
20 minutes later – Hey, thought we might check in on you. You’ve been in the closet for a long time. You doing alright? Intrusive thoughts much? Ooh, those stink. What was it this time, thoughts of cancer, thoughts of food poisoning? We understand. Don’t put on any of those shirts for a while until they are free of those thoughts.
Maybe we can start with brushing your teeth for lesson one then. I know, I know what we said earlier. All that other stuff was supposed to be the first lesson though. Oops, these are all warmups. Can’t go straight into OCD lessons with out feeling it out a little bit first.
What do you mean you quit then? Ha! You don’t just quit OCD. We told you we would show how to OCD your ass off. You can either learn on your own now or learn from the pros. Quitting is taught as part of lesson one, and we haven’t even gotten there yet. Stop trying to jump around the lesson.
How To OCD Your Ass Off – It’s All Part Of Lesson One:
We haven’t even gone over light switches, door knobs, stoves, locking and unlocking doors, plugging in, unplugging, wishing, walking on sidewalks, kissing, watching scary movies, listening to aggressive music, eating, trying to relax, obsessions, anxiety, tying knots, compulsions, typing, bringing your OCD to the workplace, how to handle being late to work because of OCD, listening to or watching the news, how to handle confrontation, how to dwell over conversations from years ago, numbers, magical thinking, relationships, bad thoughts, good thoughts, what ifs, locking yourself inside on purpose, cleaning, lack of cleaning, constant checking, fear of thoughts, procrastinating, tuning everyone else out to focus on your inner most voice, hoarding, germs, contamination, washing your hands raw, rituals and habits, mental contamination, fidgeting, skin picking, quitting (see, quitting is in there), speaking what’s really on your mind, beating around the bush, lack of detailing, going out, avoiding people, holding yourself back, choosing between things that don’t really matter, reading a book, hearing a bad word, doing normal tasks without repeating it for some odd reason, habitually crying, hypochondria, being in public, entering and exiting a room, researching how to recovery from OCD, hiding it from everyone, focusing only on your obsessions, trying to share it with someone who could not understand what you’re dealing with without them mocking you and dismissing it right from the jump.
It’s all part of lesson one if you just cooperate. Now, pay attention.
How To OCD Your Ass Off:
Choose fifty things that bother you, and obsess over it at any given chance. Great, then choose fifty more. Now that’s how you OCD your ass off. Awesome, now choose… hey! Where are you going?
Before you storm off, good luck with releasing that door knob in a timely manner. Don’t forget your… ass… which is just sitting right over there.
Ugh OCD:
OCD is torture, yet it is rarely portrayed correctly and sometimes mocked as ‘Cool’ and dismissing in the process. Men’s Health has an older article that I found astonishing to read. Check it out, or check out some of my other posts where I share my experiences with OCD.
Let me know if you found this helpful. I am curious to hear your spin. Leave a comment or find me on Twitter @UghOCD or Instagram @brentleybigkid.
2 replies to "How To OCD Your Ass Off"
I don’t know much about OCD. I am gathering a system is excessive worry?
Hi Blogging Mama, thanks for inquiring.
Obsessive Compulsive Disorder or OCD has many faces. Obsessing or worrying over intruding thoughts plays a giant role. Those with OCD develop rituals that become controlling with each trigger. These intrusions trigger repetitive behaviors in an attempt to gain ease over the unwanted thoughts or images. Even without reason, those with OCD rely on constant repetition, performing rituals and compulsions, creating a cycle of Obsession – Anxiety – Compulsions – Temporary Relief, only to cycle again at the next trigger. It’s like creating your own superstitions with consequences if not performed properly, keeping you in constant anxiety. As a result, most of your time is spent worrying about your own safety and others based on superstition / intrusive thinking.