What are triggers? First, what is OCD – Obsessive Compulsive Disorder? It’s a bitch, that’s what it is. Those who deal with it obsess over intruding thoughts. These intrusions trigger repetitive behaviors in an attempt to gain ease over the unwanted thoughts or images. It is controlling and usually cycles through feelings of Obsession – Anxiety – Compulsions – Relief, only to cycle through this again at the next distressing thought.
Not everyone’s triggers are the same, nor do they combat their obsession with the same compulsions. Some are very similar to other’s, but not all triggers are weighted the same. Below is a list of how I rank my top ten triggers from least impactful to most impactful. For therapeutic purposes, I anxiously elaborate on my compulsions for each trigger as well.
Let’s get started.
10: Reading and Writing
I am a writer. I am a reader. Yet the two can rattle my brain like an old jar of trembling jellybeans. Even with a clear mind – all it takes is one bad thought, one scary word, and I want to erase and write it again, or go back and reread a sentence or two for relief. This is one trigger that has not really gotten any better. One I would like to really work on since I do a lot of both.
Example: Reading ‘death eater’ in a fantasy novel might have me reread that sentence and replace with ‘ant eater’ instead.
This cracks my top ten triggers for the simple fact that reading and writing are so important to me. The anxiety stemming from both are not as frequent as with other triggers, but since it’s an easy compulsion to hide, I can easily get caught in that loop. Rereads and rewrites come with the territory of any aspiring writer, but done compulsively can be a major setback.
I crave those moments when I can just type with a flow… and keep it moving.
Still, it sucks to feel that something I love so much can trap me in fearful thoughts.
9: Knobs (Doors and Stove)
This one is tricky. Though this is one of the harder compulsions to hide, it’s also not as nerve racking as it used to. 14 years ago, I’d have this in my top 3 triggers as it would stop me in my tracks and feed me all types of conflicting information.
Doorknobs –
Touching doorknobs used to mean I could not let go of said doorknob until I thought of something positive. If an unwanted thought crossed my mind while either holding or releasing the knob, I would, without question, have to remain holding or retouch that same doorknob and force a rewarding thought to come through. If this happened in public, I most likely revisited the doorknob in question with a later visit, no matter how out of my way it was.
Stove knobs –
I have been halfway to work, and the full way to work, when the thought of “Did you turn the stove off before you left?” would hit. Turn it off? I didn’t even turn it on recently. In some cases, that rationality did not stop me from returning home to prevent a giant explosion. Or to just convince my brain with my eyes that all knobs were safely off.
Even during bedtime, I used to get up multiple times to convince myself that the stove was off. That normally meant touching some doorknobs on the way, so this little scamper could sometimes turn in to an ordeal.
Nowadays, I might check and dramatically emphasize that a door is locked, the stove is off before leaving the house, but I can gladly say I can release a doorknob without triggering a compulsion on most grips.
8: Germs
What can I say? Germs are germs, but sometimes germs are cancer. I don’t think I categorize as a germaphobe though. I always say a nail biter can not be a germaphobe – I bite my nails, shame on me. What I am is concerned with contamination.
Most of the time I’m not even thinking about all the dirty things I’ve touched and later reached into a bag of chips and lick the flavor dusting off my finger tips. It’s when I do happen to think about it when touching the bottom of my shoes and retracting the memory of stepping foot into a public bathroom the day before and thinking I’m going to start a plague. So I wash. I must wash. Don’t do anything else. Don’t touch anything else, just wash those invisible intruders down the drain, and do it now.
This is one I have gotten better at. Not the nail biting. I try to keep an index nail with a little hangover, the other 9 are free game for teeth trimming. Yuck when you actually think about it. On to the next one.
7: Powering down devices/ Including closing apps
You need a TV turned off, a computer shut down, then I’m your guy, it just might take a few tries depending on my current OCD level. I don’t quite understand this one. I can feel mentally free as a streaker streaking through the Super Bowl, but soon as I go to turn off a device my mind likes to ask “What’s the worst thing I can think of?”. UGH OCD!
A few years ago, this would lead me to turning back on the TV, turning back on the computer, just to turn it back off again during better thoughts. This cycle could last anywhere between 1-20 redos. This was especially the case when powering down my computer at work because it was predetermined that I had to do a restart at the end of my shift. Everyday.
This is one I catch myself doing still, but usually leads to me just having to dismiss all thoughts of compulsion and rewarding myself if I can build up the courage to just walk away, and not feed my OCD any bread crumbs. Starve OCD… STARVE!
6: Light Switches
This is a big one. This would’ve been number 2 on my list 14 years ago. It caused the most dread, the most agony, and I obsessed over whatever faint thought it might have been during on or off of a room’s light switch.
Hitting a switch would lead me to immediately flip back through my mental Rolodex of thoughts within the last few seconds and ask myself if I was ok with any of those thoughts coming true. Most times, I was not. So… like anyone with OCD, I would re flip and get a do over – as many do-overs as necessary.
I would sometimes even make games of it. Games made it less awkward. Games also eased my mind and helped bring in more positive thinking. On off on off on off on off on off on off on off on off on off on off… Ah… there we go, now I can get on with getting on.
Light switches can still cause some unease. I use this as a test to see where I really am with my progress. When it comes to unnecessarily flipping a light switch, I might still do this once a day. Compare that to about 100 times a day 14 years ago, and maybe 10 times a day a year ago. Progress.
5: Walking in/out of a room
Alright, this is the one. This is the trigger that actually bothered the most, causing the most setbacks. This would have definitely been my number one. Couple that with turning a light switch on or off and you could witness me walking in and out, turning on and off, simultaneously trying to rack my brain for a good thought – At least searching for a not-so-bad thought would even allow me to settle.
Walking into a room was difficult. At home, at work, in public. Especially if the flooring changed from carpet to tile or vice versa. I could walk down the longest of hallways, but when it came to then entering a room I better ready the good thought troopers to battle the bad thought foes quickly. In public, I would be forced to swallow those thoughts in fear my secret would be out. So if I couldn’t slickly redo the entrance, I would be highly distressed until I could either realize that this compulsion is silly or until I could make my warranted exit.
This is the one that told me I was OCD –
Actually, it was a girlfriend that I lived with that told me I might be OCD. Either way, this is the trigger that made me miserable, what made me feel powerless, that caused compulsion after compulsion after compulsion… because I couldn’t help it. I had no control over it sometimes. Like my mind was pulling all the strings and I just wanted to be a real boy.
All joking aside, this is the trigger that would cause me to breakdown, cry, shutdown, and not want to do anything or go anywhere. This is the one. Not just rooms either – The first step of the stairs, the blocks of a sidewalk, walking by a fence… Ahhhhhhh! I can scream just thinking about it.
Combined with all the other triggers made happiness a difficult task. I used to want to stand OCD up like a punching bag and go at it toe to toe.
The kicker – I didn’t even know what OCD was yet –
I didn’t even know that this was a thing. A thing that others did too. I thought I had made these quirks up on my own.
It wasn’t until she told me. It wasn’t until after my girlfriend/fiancé of 6 years uttered this phrase to me during her break-up spiel “I think you may be OCD.” Wait a minute, go back, what did you say? OCD? What do you mean? I’m not a neat freak (insert commercialized OCD).
I don’t recall a lot of that conversation anymore, but that phrase. That phrase got me googling. Having a realization that others go through this too was a giant step towards progressing. I had originally thought that I was just overly superstitious. Nope, there is a name for it – Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.
4: Tying and taping
This one is a relatively new trigger. It’s ranked this high because it’s so hard to redo. I hate tying a double knot, or taping a package. If I can’t compulsively undo the knot or seal, then I have to decide if I can shake off the possible ailing thought, or break the seal causing blemishes and possibly bringing attention to my OCD.
These are ones I would rather just avoid if I can. Although avoiding does not help ultimately – it is a compulsion itself.
3: Numbers
Doing things in sets to give balance. All of my OCD tendencies can be paired with qualifying numbers depending on the mood or level of distress I am currently in. Redo that twice, redo it again, now redo to make it even. OCD now says do it again, and I say do it again after that to even it out.
This can be a pain. Sometimes there is no rhyme or reason, leading me to either feed my OCD or feel rewarded or cringe at attempting to starve my OCD for the current battle at hand. In sum, pun intended, numbers add up to being both good and bad at different times. It just depends on what I associate with that number at any given moment.
2: Praying
You’ve heard the phrase “Be careful what you wish for” right? When I pray, sometimes it’s lead with my mind instead of my heart. My mind wanders, and sometimes it wanders in swampy jungles filled with spiders, rats, and acid shooting pterodactyls. I don’t like those things nor do I want to encounter those things. So why do they intrude during prayer?
My OCD, being careful of what I wish for, kindly makes me unfold my hands, open my eyes, and start over from the beginning reminding me not to think of metaphoric spiders, rats, and acid-dactyls that I don’t want. Try not to think of sharks when you just emphasized to yourself not to think of sharks. Now the jungle has sharks? Geesh!
I am big on faith, and when my prayers feel more from my mind than my heart, than I have an issue with myself. The cycle of self doubt begins, then guilt enters.
Prayer is important to me, so I simply remember who I am praying to and ask for help.
1: Trash
Number one of all triggers is simple. Throwing something away and getting the urge to pick it out of the trash just to re-throw-it-away is daunting. So… to avoid embarrassment, to avoid the trash germs, to avoid the OCD cycle, I have to move on. Just cope with thought. It’s either feed the trash or feed OCD. Not always easy to decide.
I’d rather feed the trashcan but OCD is very convincing. It is when I want to toss a used paper towel that it really wants to eat. This is when I like to sing to keep my mind from wandering. If I’m not singing, I normally talk to myself, sometimes loudly to drown out thought. I might even force a conversation about nothing to whoever’s in the room to keep away thought during garbage time.
When I’m not talking aloud, I’m mouthing safe words (check out my safe words blog here). If I’m not doing any of those to hide my compulsion from others, then I’m probably in my head battling with OCD, chin to chin, sword to sword, knuckle sandwich to knuckle sandwich.
Dealing with triggers –
I try to make light of these compulsions to show that it doesn’t always have to own me. It’s when it does own me, when it wins, when it leaves me crawled up in a ball whimpering in my mental timeout corner.
Although I’ve gotten much better, I still find that my OCD has a grip on me and that I still have plenty of work towards recovery. It’s these triggers I need to embrace. Each of our triggers is an opportunity where a battle can be won.
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Let me know if you found this helpful. I am curious to hear your opinions. Leave a comment or find me on Twitter @UghOCD or Instagram @brentleybigkid.
